In light of the Brexit debacle that’s unfolding (told you so - jus’ saying), I thought I’d distract myself from the bleating goats of the British political classes by devising a new award for the most mindless, incompetent, stupid, or corrupt person of the month (or week, or day, Brexit might yet force me to work in hours).
It’s easy to decide what an award should be for - in this case, to win it you have to be as dim as a 10 watt bulb and an arsehole to boot. The real problem for award makers however, is not what the award is for; it’s what to call it. In a world filled with Oscar, Emmy, and Darwin awards, you can’t just have the Stoopids, though I thought the Mugunu had a certain ring to it.
In deciding a name for my award, I reflected on how I acquired a modicum of what for me passes as common sense, which thought process took me back to my youth. I’ll freely admit that as a boy I was dumb as a bag of hammers, mostly indolent, and occasionally rude, or if not outright rude then prone to long periods of sulky insolence. This dubious aspect of my nature surfaced often, because I was always right and everyone else wrong, a syndrome I now call Trumpism, but I’d yet to learn that such is the way of the world and I would be condemned to forever suffer fools *sigh*.
Fortunately for me, I was raised in Nigeria, whose people have a tradition of excising stupidity from a child’s head with what we call a dirty slap. To set the record straight, the slap has been used to correct bad behaviour across the globe for centuries and Nigerians cannot lay claim to it – it’s quick, painless to deliver, instantly relatable to the offence, and effective. A Nigerian dirty slap is less like the traditional open-handed blow to the cheek delivered with the palm of the hand by a responsible adult adopting a have-at-thee-sirrah stance, and more like a full-on assault that can come from either side, may require a short run up for full effect, delivered by a marauding barbarian with a bad attitude and migraine. While you may retort to the slapper after receiving a slap, sometimes with a witticism, or you may pretend it had no lasting effect on you; a dirty slap will leave you too stunned to open your stupid mouth for a good long while, as your brain slowly digests what it has just learned to such telling effect.
I must at this point express profound gratitude to Messrs Boya, of the Federal Government College, Enugu, and big Emeka, of the International School in Ibadan, for two dirty slaps that corrected all my insolence towards my elders. You can see how foolish I was at a tender age to have required twin therapy of the brutal kind. These man-boys taught me you can be an emperor in your mind and the leader of your posse, but that doesn’t give you diva rights in their corner of space.
After much mulling, and in homage to the corrective properties of the dirty slap, I have decided to call my award the MINOADS, given to the person deemed Most in Need of a Dirty Slap, in the hope such drastic action would correct their stupidity, corruption, incompetence, greed, lies, etcetera.
Having conferred a lifetime award on Donald Trump in the moment of its inauguration, I had to think of the next worthy recipient. With absolutely no fanfare at all I can tell you that the award goes to Archbishop Cyprian Kizito Lwanga of Uganda, who wants his government to impose a church tax on all the citizens of his impoverished nation, so the organization most guilty of corruption in all of human history (the Christian church) can forcibly obtain funds from the gullible for the buggering of children, drinking of wine from golden goblets, nancying around in twelfth century fancy-dress, and the telling of whopping great lies about a magic Jew who strolled on water and conjured up a monster boozy seafood BBQ with nowt but a loaf of bread, a tin of sardines, and a glass of water.
Our MINOADS Winner (what a beauty!)
I have a quote from my MINOADS winner:
“We lie to God that we pay church tithe off our monthly salaries. But during a Mass like this, whenever we ask for tithe, everyone gives only what they have at that time.”
Only what they have at the time? What a thieving git! This corpulent man who grows fatter daily on the sweat of the poor, is not content with people giving what they can afford. He wants to forcibly extract ten percent of people’s income in one of the poorest countries on earth. No doubt he knows he’ll have to share it with all the other nasty little piggies with their snouts in a trough in the legalised mafia called the government. I suspect he’s seen thieving Nigerian pastors with private jets and white silk suits, poncing about the place looking like the lowlife spivs they are, and is feeling left behind.
If there were a God (there obviously isn’t, or this lard-brained clown would be rendered to an oily slick by a bolt of lightning) I’d gladly give ten percent of my wages in return for the honour of delivering this MINOADS in person.