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  • Writer's pictureDele Sikuade

The Thursday Rant: The Minoads Awards

There is nothing I find more chilling than the words “God Save America”. If the words were meant to imply humility, as in Dear God, Please save us and try to make us better people, I’d get it, but they aren’t, they’re meant to imply superiority, as in God Save Us because we are richer and stronger than everyone else, and we’re prepared to display greater piety and sycophancy, so you should think us better than the rest. It is the type of religious hypocrisy that had George Bush and Tony Blair praying their hearts out in some sick cabal before they orchestrated a corrupt war resulting in the death of millions and the suffering of millions more for decades to come. This week’s MINOADS Award (Most in Need of a Dirty Slap) is posthumous. Maybe I should have said ‘sadly’ somewhere in that previous sentence, but I’m not going to burn in hell for telling lies and I’m not sad at all. If I feel bad about anything, it’s for stealing a candidate from the Darwin Awards, given to the person who displays the most ingenious method of removing themselves from the gene pool. Without further ado, I can tell you this week’s award goes to John Allen Chau, who thought it was his duty to preach about a magic Jewish prophet to the Sentinelese people, a protected group of humans who have no contact with the outside world and have long expressed a lethal desire to remain isolated. John persuaded a bunch of fools (criminals) to ignore the law and take him to the isolated island where the Sentinelese live, and the Sentinelese, shrewdly discerning he was up to no good, filled him with arrows, on account of them having no Holy Spirit of their own with which to do the same.

MINOAD trophy

John was an American missionary, a group with a history of madness, child molestation, and an almost feverish obsession to prove how much closer they are to god than anyone else by wiping out every religion but theirs. Missionary John completely ignored the warning that having had no contact with outsiders, he would probably kill every man woman and child of the Sentinelese simply by breathing his 21st century germs on them. Not only did John display his contempt for the lives of the Sentinelese (because they were in his mind heathens), he displayed arrogance of a level usually not seen outside a comedy show. On a previous excursion near the island, he is reported to have shouted ‘I love you, and Jesus loves you’, to which the Sentinelese retorted by firing an arrow through his bible. Lol! Poor John, he thought because he came from a land saved by god because it is a better place than everywhere else, he could sally forth and ride roughshod over the lives and culture of another race, forcing his arrant nonsense down their necks and threatening to kill them all to boot. Well John, I’m afraid in tests, a Sentinelese Dirty Slap has proved to be 100% fatal to attempted murderers, which is another way of looking at you. Let’s hope you serve as a good example to your fellow god botherers to stay the f**k away from places where you are clearly not welcome. It is reported that you wrote “Do not blame the natives if I am killed.” That’s very generous of you John. If you’re looking down on us from a cloud somewhere with your little harp under your arm, don’t worry on my account, I was too stunned with disbelief at your stupidity for such a thought to cross my mind.

#America #Missionaries #MINOADS #Sentinelese #Satire

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