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  • Writer's pictureDele Sikuade

Monday Rant: Donald Trump's Secret Membership Application

Secret and not so secret communications from the realm of the Lizard Lords showing Donald's application for membership of the Dastardly Dictators club has been rejected. Can't say who the leaker was without sparking a Special Prosecutor's investigation.


Below the trail of communication leaked by our 'informant'

Dear Donald,

Thank you for your application for membership of The League of Dastardly Dictators. I regret to inform you that having considered your application carefully, the board decided you fail to qualify on several grounds. We would like to take this opportunity to wish you the best of luck with your career. Please remember our opinion is not a reflection on your tremendous efforts to date and we consider you a highly promising candidate for the future.

Best wishes,

Mad Vlad the Poisoner (TLDD Social Secretary)


@MadVlad Turning down a NOWN superleader like me is the kind of thing that gives your org a bad rep! The reps I rep are some of the most heartless, callous bastards on earth. AND I AM NUMERO UNO AMONGST THEM. I run the bigliest arms exporting nation in the world and am doing my level best to have a nuclear hollocost (which NOBODY but me has EVER done). I not only have the most polluting country in the world I also walked away from those ‘clean it up’ pussies. I created global warming. IF these are not enough you should remember I am the man who EVERY racist and small-minded bigot loves, and I have singel-handedly resurrected the NAZi party.

Covfefe motherfucka.

Dear Donald,

Thank you for your Tweet. We are not sure if you are aware of other means of communication but by and large we prefer email. Hilary uses a private server for her communications. If you wish to be considered again at any point in the future we’d advise you to GET ONE!

We acknowledge your reps are indeed a quite odious bunch. However, if you wish their evil to be taken into account you must submit a group application. For reference we attach the successful group submission of H. Hitler, H. Himmler, H. Goring and J. Goebbels from the 1943 cohort. In reviewing your colleagues the board felt they are mostly greedy, spineless opportunists and lack the vision and nerve to be truly evil people.

Your pollution goals and achievements are to be admired. However, the board notes you are unlikely to have created global warming since you demonstrably don’t understand the difference between temperature and climate. GW is a great way to drown poor brown people in the near future, so while continuing efforts in that regard count in your favour, you have yet to execute the vast hordes of West Coast hippies who keep trying to save the planet with electric cars, solar energy, recycling, and other crap.

Finally, a big hurrah on the near nuclear front, but the jury is still out as to whether this is your doing or China is playing you like a fat, small-handed fiddle. The idea that N. Korea is the power behind N. Korea is laughable to the board, all of whom would boil fat little Kimmy in a vat of piss if he ever overstepped the mark. He-looka-lika-winny has just submitted an application where “Making President of the USA look like a diplomatic donkey” is just below “Empire expansion” on his list of achievements.

Your friend in grotesquery,

Mad Vlad (TLDD Social Secretary and newly appointed Head of Disembowelment)



Dear Donald,

Once again we would like to remind you of our social media standards and ask you to acknowledge you have read our GDPR policy and opted into our mailing list. Our small print does includes the clear statement: “no spam and NO FUCKING TWEETS OR WE NOVICHOK YOUR ARSE”. However, as you are the leader of a superpower we feel you are entitled to a response to your communication, which though sent to the world is clearly directed at us (it is TLDD and we are fussy).

On charges of nepotism you are as guilty as a who-dunnit farter in a spacesuit. However, as with the case of your rep colleagues, you are being held back by the personal greed, blinding stupidity, and sheer incompetence of your family members. Proper TLDD candidates, whose bodycount looks like the Julian Assange has been keeping track of hours on his embassy wall, are facing off with your offspring and putting them to shame. If Bambi showed a hunter the way to his home amongst the birds and the buttercups in the meadows, it is the hunter who massacres the entire bloody herd with a machine gun who gets membership, not the dumb blonde doe-eyed f***ing deer!

Dead kids score highly, so good for you for recognising Premium Points. However, points only mean prizes when you have a lot of them. Mr Assad for example, a long-standing member, is spanking you depite having only a basic chemistry set at his disposal; as are a couple of Saudi princes who have to rely heavily on British support for their Kill-As-Many-Yemeni-Kids campaign. Shelling empty buildings in Syria is hardly the way to make a name for yourself and impress the board (thanks for the notice by the way, we managed to move everything with a day to spare).

Jerusalem was ‘all right’, but we had hoped for more. Now if you were to knock down the Al-Aqsa mosque and build a Trump Tower on the site we would certainly have to reconsider.

An affiliated organization, Felonious Fat Fuckers through History, is inviting applications. Cyril Smith the British paedo MP got in so you’ve every chance. If you do apply we suggest you mention how much you ‘love’ your daughter. They love that kind of thing.

Yours up to the elbows in the entrails of Syrian children,

Mad V (Now Personal Assistant to Beelzebub)


THIS IS BORING! I REJECT YOUR PLEES FOR ME TO JOIN YOUR LITTLE CLUB. The next time you hear from me I will be your president. I am the greatest at clubs, possibly ever! On Fox and Friends they always talk about me. NOBODY TALKS ABOUT YOU. Losers! I have more nukes than ANYBODY. My hands are big, they’re so big they are maybe the biggest. And this is real hair. Pull it. I’m not fat and dying and faking my own medical reports. That is fake news from the fake news media. Michael Cohen did or didn’t pay off Stormy. The FBI put a spycam up my arse. Ask anybody they’ll tell you. Witch hunt! Obama is hiding in my wardrobe, making notes from my ideas. I won. I won the biggest ever popular vote. I AM GOD!

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